Stella Phillips
East students in distress after trying to dry their hands
The upper quad B bathrooms have been temporarily closed until further notice due to a tidal wave that rushed out of the women’s restroom at approximately 2:45 p.m. Sept. 27. Authorities and East administration are currently investigating.
“It is of utmost importance that the culprit for this event be caught, and once they are, I will ensure that I not only note it on their transcript, but also boot their car, because I think it is a punishment that truly fits any crime. Heck, I may even boot all four wheels of their car for good measure,” principal Jesse Casey said.
While East faculty is unaware of the cause of what is now known as “The Great Flood,” students have a little more of an idea of what occurred. An anonymous witness claimed to have seen a girl exit the bathroom five minutes before the flooding, drenched in water. When ECHO journalists teamed up with Casey to search the security cameras, they were able to identify the student and schedule a time to meet with her.
“After I washed my hands, I shook them off because the hand dryers don’t work, but they were still really wet, so I thought I might try the hand dryer, and my hands got more wet,” another source said.
After ECHO journalists consulted with statisticians and hand dryer mechanics from both Harvard and Columbia, we reached a conclusion that everyone involved considered to be even more confusing than the problem. It turns out that the hand dryers actually have an inverse effect: they were specifically designed to dump water onto the user’s hands, the reasons for which have not been identified.
There are speculations that the goal of the hand dryers was to ensure that all students became tardy due to the amount of water on their hands, which would result in no one having perfect attendance so that East would not be required to buy them Chick-fil-a.
In addition, it is unclear when the Quad B bathrooms will be reopened, but one thing that was made especially clear is that East Chapel Hill High School will continue to employ the technology of the “handy dandy hand dryers,” states assistant principal Brandon Patterson, and that this is only “an obstacle upon the great road to a better future of not using paper towels.”